Maybe ask your boss for help, they might be able to provide you with some stimulating materials or even provide a helping hand. It might feel a little strange but look at it from your boss’s perspective. If you spend your time masturbating in the office bathroom then there’s no reason for you to go home, so naturally your productivity will increase.

There’s a lot of overlap between archeologists and babies.

This is why you make your dog costume out of kevlar

Best bet would be to disguise yourself as a dog and start humping their legs

If you fire them at an ikea bookcase it’ll disassemble in seconds

I knew a guy who got his scholarship revoked for catching and cooking a duck.

The wolves can smell the chemo, it’s like marinade for them.

You’re such a hipster, I just call it being alive

It’s like I’m back on quakenet!

I just blow my load in my jeans, if you let it build up then it has the same effect as starch. Keeps them nice and crisp.

To cull the weak.

That’s a very un-American solution. I think it would be much better to sell fire arms to eagles so they become aware of the problem and they can effectively hunt fresh prey and thereby circumvent the entire issue.

That’s way too complicated, I just duct tape a cat below the business end of my shotgun when I go hunting.

Obama: “You know, I care a lot about children and I think they deserve to be loved.”

Trump: “OH, YOU LOVE CHILDREN?! NOBODY LOVES CHILDREN MORE THAN I DO. THE EPSTEIN FILES PROVE THAT I, DONALD J. TRUMP AM THE BIGGEST LOVER OF CHILDREN.”

Your dad? Ben Affleck. Your mom? Neil Patrick Harris.

If he comes back I’m sure he’ll be dealt with accordingly. Nobody has time for an undead racist.